2012 GOAL

I will admit it.  I am a pessimist.  I am a worrier.  I have a problem enjoying things because of these things.  While most people look forward to tomorrow, I sometimes find myself wondering what could go wrong.  I am working on it, but the last couple of years have not been helpful.  They have actually fed this habit.

I often find myself comparing myself to everyone around me (I know this is not healthy- TRUST ME).  I know people have done this forever, but I have to say that technology has made it way too easy to do.  Before, you ran into your friends at parties and were able to compare how well you are doing as a parent/employee/homemaker in person.  But now, all you have to do is sign into facebook or twitter and you are flooded by information about how that person's kids crawled/walked/talked/read before your kid.  Or how that 6 week old is already sleeping through the night when your 8 month old is still only sleeping in 2-3 hour stretches.  Or that high school buddy who makes hundreds of thousands more than you is buying a new car or going on their 4th vacation this year while your car made it to work today-barely.

Being a pessimist, this is something I really struggle with.  I never learned how to believe in myself.  (Let me set the record straight here-  I have amazingly supportive parents who always believed in me and told me so all the time.  I just didn't always hear them) I always thought that someone else had it better than me.  And I was never happy with the things that I had in my life.  Don't get me wrong, my life has not been easy.  You could probably join me in my pity party and we could have a good cry about how hard we had it growing up.  How I had to go to a new school every 2 years and I don't have a lot of long term close friends because of it.  How I have struggled with feeling wanted and accepted because of things that are out of my control.

Control!  That is the point that God has really driven home recently.  I am not in control, and the more I struggle to be- the more pessimistic I become because the outcomes never turn out the way they should in my head.

So let me tell you what I know about myself now.

I am awesome.  I have a full time job that I LOVE.  And I am good at it.  I learn quickly and I remember almost everything.  One of my co-workers nicknamed me "Sponge Brain".  Sometimes I get down on myself because as a teenager I lost direction and did not live up to my full potential.  If only I had known how smart I am!  The things I could have been-  But I am right where I need to be.

On top of my full time job, I also handle the books for my husbands contracting company.  His work has been on the slower side so it is only a couple of hours a week most weeks, but it can be challenging.  If you are a very organized person who is trying to manage the money of a very artistic person- you might understand these challenges!

I am a full time Mom.  My daughter is a smart, funny, but often challenging little girl.  After a long day at work, it is sometimes hard for me to give her the attention she needs (Especially with some health issues I have been having), but I try my best.    This is one area in my life I really struggle with.  I see all of the fun activities that my stay at home mom friends do with their kids, or I see the fun things she does with my mom (Who has blessed us tremendously by watching her 3 days a week).  And I feel like I am missing out on her life. Worse than that I feel like I have failed at being a Mom because I don't fit into the vision of a "Mom" in my head.  But I have accepted that I was build to be a working mom.  I look at my friends and am amazed at how they stay sane, and they probably look at me and wonder how I balance it all.

I am a wife.  I have known my husband almost longer than any of my other friends.  Meeting at camp back in Junior high and becoming friends in High School.  We have been Dating for over 10 years and married for 7 1/2 years.  I often find myself thinking I am a failure as a wife also (Especially because of those health issues), but God blessed me with a best friend who has been supportive of me.

I am also the budget making/party planning/grocery shopping/coupon crazy person who holds this family together.  I keep our families budget tight, and it is hard work to make ends meet, but I am learning that while it is important to plan for the future- It is really important to live for today.  Don't get me wrong- I literally budget for spontaneity- but it is important to feel like I am enjoying today instead of worrying about tomorrow.

As you can see, I wear many hats.  Some days I don't know which way is up.  But God has really shown me what is important in my life recently.  So when I come home on Friday night after what feels like an 80 hour work week, and my house looks like a tornado hit it (We will name that tornado Paige), I know it is OK to put the cleaning off one more day to spend time watching a movie or playing with my daughter.


I have one MAIN goal I am setting for myself in 2012.  I am going to try to stop looking at what everyone around me has- And start really appreciating everything I have!