I will admit it. I am a pessimist. I am a worrier. I have a problem enjoying things because of these things. While most people look forward to tomorrow, I sometimes find myself wondering what could go wrong. I am working on it, but the last couple of years have not been helpful. They have actually fed this habit.
I often find myself comparing myself to everyone around me (I know this is not healthy- TRUST ME). I know people have done this forever, but I have to say that technology has made it way too easy to do. Before, you ran into your friends at parties and were able to compare how well you are doing as a parent/employee/homemaker in person. But now, all you have to do is sign into facebook or twitter and you are flooded by information about how that person's kids crawled/walked/talked/read before your kid. Or how that 6 week old is already sleeping through the night when your 8 month old is still only sleeping in 2-3 hour stretches. Or that high school buddy who makes hundreds of thousands more than you is buying a new car or going on their 4th vacation this year while your car made it to work today-barely.
Being a pessimist, this is something I really struggle with. I never learned how to believe in myself. (Let me set the record straight here- I have amazingly supportive parents who always believed in me and told me so all the time. I just didn't always hear them) I always thought that someone else had it better than me. And I was never happy with the things that I had in my life. Don't get me wrong, my life has not been easy. You could probably join me in my pity party and we could have a good cry about how hard we had it growing up. How I had to go to a new school every 2 years and I don't have a lot of long term close friends because of it. How I have struggled with feeling wanted and accepted because of things that are out of my control.
Control! That is the point that God has really driven home recently. I am not in control, and the more I struggle to be- the more pessimistic I become because the outcomes never turn out the way they should in my head.
So let me tell you what I know about myself now.
I am awesome. I have a full time job that I LOVE. And I am good at it. I learn quickly and I remember almost everything. One of my co-workers nicknamed me "Sponge Brain". Sometimes I get down on myself because as a teenager I lost direction and did not live up to my full potential. If only I had known how smart I am! The things I could have been- But I am right where I need to be.
On top of my full time job, I also handle the books for my husbands contracting company. His work has been on the slower side so it is only a couple of hours a week most weeks, but it can be challenging. If you are a very organized person who is trying to manage the money of a very artistic person- you might understand these challenges!
I am a full time Mom. My daughter is a smart, funny, but often challenging little girl. After a long day at work, it is sometimes hard for me to give her the attention she needs (Especially with some health issues I have been having), but I try my best. This is one area in my life I really struggle with. I see all of the fun activities that my stay at home mom friends do with their kids, or I see the fun things she does with my mom (Who has blessed us tremendously by watching her 3 days a week). And I feel like I am missing out on her life. Worse than that I feel like I have failed at being a Mom because I don't fit into the vision of a "Mom" in my head. But I have accepted that I was build to be a working mom. I look at my friends and am amazed at how they stay sane, and they probably look at me and wonder how I balance it all.
I am a wife. I have known my husband almost longer than any of my other friends. Meeting at camp back in Junior high and becoming friends in High School. We have been Dating for over 10 years and married for 7 1/2 years. I often find myself thinking I am a failure as a wife also (Especially because of those health issues), but God blessed me with a best friend who has been supportive of me.
I am also the budget making/party planning/grocery shopping/coupon crazy person who holds this family together. I keep our families budget tight, and it is hard work to make ends meet, but I am learning that while it is important to plan for the future- It is really important to live for today. Don't get me wrong- I literally budget for spontaneity- but it is important to feel like I am enjoying today instead of worrying about tomorrow.
As you can see, I wear many hats. Some days I don't know which way is up. But God has really shown me what is important in my life recently. So when I come home on Friday night after what feels like an 80 hour work week, and my house looks like a tornado hit it (We will name that tornado Paige), I know it is OK to put the cleaning off one more day to spend time watching a movie or playing with my daughter.
I have one MAIN goal I am setting for myself in 2012. I am going to try to stop looking at what everyone around me has- And start really appreciating everything I have!
Friday, January 6, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Re-Defining Blessings
I grew up with a pre-existing idea of how life was going to go. I knew that in order to succeed in life, you had to work hard. I knew that nothing is just handed to you. I was raised well. So, after I settled into a great job in my early 20s (One that I have now been at for 12 years), and got married- I thought my life was going according to plan. We had put in our time and were able to do everything we wanted! Life was good.
But, even though we are hard working and honest people- life became difficult. Right before our daughter was born 4 years ago, Justin was laid off from his full time and well paying job as a tile setter. We already had our own business on the side, so we decided it was time to take that business full time. And life has never been the same! We love the flexibility, but with the economy tanking so has the money in the bank.
After a few years of struggling to make ends meet, we started 2011 off with a new mindset. It was going to be our year. Life was going to return back to "Normal". Little did we know- God had a lot of lessons in store for us.
Just a couple of weeks into the year, Justin was falsely accused of shoplifting at Home Depot. To make matters worse, we thought he was being accused of stealing materials he had returned on behalf of the homeowner (Who happened to be my boss) to exchange for the additional materials he needed to complete the job. I am not going to go into all of the details because I am trying not to focus on the negative. But I will tell you, I didn't know that something so outrageous could happen to a contractor who provides a lot of business for a company. I had no idea that your rights are non-existent when being detained by a store.
This experience took its toll on my family. On one side, we became a united front with a common enemy. But it was not without it's costs. The stress alone was tremendous. And, of course, there were moments of doubt. We were on our knees a lot over the next few months. We thought the claim was outrageous and once receipts were provided it would all go away. But the DA pressed charges anyways so we hired a fairly expensive lawyer. In May, the charges were dropped due to insufficient evidence. It was the best birthday present I could have asked for.
But it took a while for us to really find the "Blessing" in this situation. We didn't understand why his innocence was never actually proven (He still isn't sure if he can actually go into the local Home Depot so he drives to the stores a few towns over when he absolutely has to go there). We didn't understand how the security guard could actually make up a story that made no sense and get away with it. And we didn't understand why we had no recourse to collect the money we had to pay for the lawyer. To be honest, I am still not sure what God plans on using this for in the future. But I think one of the best things that came out of it, was that Justin really understood that I have his back. I believe in him and know what a kind and honest person he is. And I realized how much I trust in him too (Which is a big step for me. I have some trust issues).
One of the other "Blessings" that had to be re-defined last year was vacations. I don't know why, but I was bit by the travel bug at a young age. We didn't have a lot of money growing up, but I saw a lot of things and I never really felt as if I went without. I lived in 4 states, and even went to England for a wedding when I was 8. I love to travel. And every year we have been on a great vacation or more. We went to Jamaica for our honeymoon. We traveled to Boston a few times and we have even been to Hawaii twice in the last 5 years. But the vacation budget was tighter this year. The only time I even put my feet on a plane was for a work trip to Las Vegas.
Despite having less of a budget and missing a wedding in Boston, we were able to take my frugalness and do some other things. Justin took his nephews, Paige & his Grandma camping to Hume lake where his mom used to take him. We also rented a cabin and took them to Lake Tahoe for 4th of July to spend time with his "Cousins". His cousin Katie was even able to join us from Kansas. We had a mini staycation with all of them and took them to the fair, Santa Cruz, Go-Karting and San Fransisco. And I had a girls weekend with my friends to Hermosa beach. And then we were able to take Paige to Disneyland for her 4th birthday.
Now, these vacations were not as fancy as I dream about, but it was time spent with family. And we were only able to afford a 1 day pass to Disneyland, but she got to meet the princesses and we had a great time getting to know Chelsie's new boyfriend.
I have started watching our budget even closer, and Justin is starting to get work again (Even taking a part time job at Kohls to help). I also got a promotion at work. Add that to all of the great websites that help me find deals to save money and we have had a pretty amazing year. Sure, I could dwell on all of the things that could have gone differently, but that would just make me depressed. It has been a tough year for me physically & emotionally, but we made it through. And I think we have more faith that God is here, right beside us.
God has spoken Jeremiah 29:11 over our lives in 2011 and I have to tell you- I am excited about what 2012 holds! I am not entering it with unrealistic dreams as I did with 2011. But I know that if the plans include spending more time with my family, then I am in- 100%!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
But, even though we are hard working and honest people- life became difficult. Right before our daughter was born 4 years ago, Justin was laid off from his full time and well paying job as a tile setter. We already had our own business on the side, so we decided it was time to take that business full time. And life has never been the same! We love the flexibility, but with the economy tanking so has the money in the bank.
After a few years of struggling to make ends meet, we started 2011 off with a new mindset. It was going to be our year. Life was going to return back to "Normal". Little did we know- God had a lot of lessons in store for us.
Just a couple of weeks into the year, Justin was falsely accused of shoplifting at Home Depot. To make matters worse, we thought he was being accused of stealing materials he had returned on behalf of the homeowner (Who happened to be my boss) to exchange for the additional materials he needed to complete the job. I am not going to go into all of the details because I am trying not to focus on the negative. But I will tell you, I didn't know that something so outrageous could happen to a contractor who provides a lot of business for a company. I had no idea that your rights are non-existent when being detained by a store.
This experience took its toll on my family. On one side, we became a united front with a common enemy. But it was not without it's costs. The stress alone was tremendous. And, of course, there were moments of doubt. We were on our knees a lot over the next few months. We thought the claim was outrageous and once receipts were provided it would all go away. But the DA pressed charges anyways so we hired a fairly expensive lawyer. In May, the charges were dropped due to insufficient evidence. It was the best birthday present I could have asked for.
But it took a while for us to really find the "Blessing" in this situation. We didn't understand why his innocence was never actually proven (He still isn't sure if he can actually go into the local Home Depot so he drives to the stores a few towns over when he absolutely has to go there). We didn't understand how the security guard could actually make up a story that made no sense and get away with it. And we didn't understand why we had no recourse to collect the money we had to pay for the lawyer. To be honest, I am still not sure what God plans on using this for in the future. But I think one of the best things that came out of it, was that Justin really understood that I have his back. I believe in him and know what a kind and honest person he is. And I realized how much I trust in him too (Which is a big step for me. I have some trust issues).
One of the other "Blessings" that had to be re-defined last year was vacations. I don't know why, but I was bit by the travel bug at a young age. We didn't have a lot of money growing up, but I saw a lot of things and I never really felt as if I went without. I lived in 4 states, and even went to England for a wedding when I was 8. I love to travel. And every year we have been on a great vacation or more. We went to Jamaica for our honeymoon. We traveled to Boston a few times and we have even been to Hawaii twice in the last 5 years. But the vacation budget was tighter this year. The only time I even put my feet on a plane was for a work trip to Las Vegas.
Despite having less of a budget and missing a wedding in Boston, we were able to take my frugalness and do some other things. Justin took his nephews, Paige & his Grandma camping to Hume lake where his mom used to take him. We also rented a cabin and took them to Lake Tahoe for 4th of July to spend time with his "Cousins". His cousin Katie was even able to join us from Kansas. We had a mini staycation with all of them and took them to the fair, Santa Cruz, Go-Karting and San Fransisco. And I had a girls weekend with my friends to Hermosa beach. And then we were able to take Paige to Disneyland for her 4th birthday.
Now, these vacations were not as fancy as I dream about, but it was time spent with family. And we were only able to afford a 1 day pass to Disneyland, but she got to meet the princesses and we had a great time getting to know Chelsie's new boyfriend.
I have started watching our budget even closer, and Justin is starting to get work again (Even taking a part time job at Kohls to help). I also got a promotion at work. Add that to all of the great websites that help me find deals to save money and we have had a pretty amazing year. Sure, I could dwell on all of the things that could have gone differently, but that would just make me depressed. It has been a tough year for me physically & emotionally, but we made it through. And I think we have more faith that God is here, right beside us.
God has spoken Jeremiah 29:11 over our lives in 2011 and I have to tell you- I am excited about what 2012 holds! I am not entering it with unrealistic dreams as I did with 2011. But I know that if the plans include spending more time with my family, then I am in- 100%!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
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