A year ago, my husband made a decision that rocked our world
as we knew it. It was the best decision
he could have made for himself and our family, but it changed everything. A year ago, my husband opened up about his
addiction to Alcohol and his decision to get sober on social media, without me
knowing beforehand, and prompted a blog post from me about transparency. On one hand, I was relieved that I wouldn’t
have to keep my feelings quiet and that I wouldn’t have to keep making excuses
for him. Honesty & transparency are
important to me and I was glad that he wanted the same thing. On the other hand, I was so overwhelmed with
so many feeling and I had nowhere to hide.
I couldn’t always respond with “I’m Fine” because people knew the truth,
but I worried that not everyone wanted me to tell them how I was really
doing. I can’t even describe how
confusing that time was. Especially to
an overthinker like myself.
So, a year later, I have decided it is time for a follow-up
blog post. I know there is someone out
there that is just starting down this road and needs to know that they are not
alone. I know there are some of you that
want to know how things really are but are afraid to ask me or don’t want me to
have to explain for what might be the 150th time today. So, this is me. This is real and raw and will give you
insight into what the last year has looked like for me. I can’t give you insight into Justin. His journey has been different than
mine. He will probably never write a
blog, but maybe someday he will tell his story too.
A few weeks before his decision, I had made one of my
own. I was done. I couldn’t go on the same way as we had for
years. I was tired of covering up for
him, and picking up his slack. I was
ready to leave. I sat on the edge of my
bed and cried out to God. How had we
gotten here? Was I about to walk away
for my marriage? What would that look
like for our daughter? Did I just give
him an ultimatum first? Would that be
the best choice? As I prayed, God showed
me clearly that I couldn’t give up yet.
I had told him that he needed help and practically given him an
ultimatum several times before and nothing had changed. But God showed me that I had never actually
given him a way out. That I had never
shown him how and I had never actually offered to walk alongside him through
the process. And I couldn’t walk away
without trying that first.
But I also realized that I couldn’t do that alone. So, I had some good friends come over when
Justin & Paige were gone for the weekend.
We talked real honestly about what was going on. They were close enough that they knew without
my even having to say much but it was such a relief to finally not feel so
alone. We spent time praying through my
house, praying over my family and talking about what was next. We agreed that I would pull my family into
the fold and then we would all pray about what the next step was to be. After talking to my family, who also knew
because they were not blind- but didn’t know the full extent, we all agreed to
pray. For the next couple of weeks, I
spend hours every day in prayer over my husband, over my family, over my mouth
(I have a hard time holding back how I really feel but knew God needed to shut
me up if he was going to be able to prepare his heart for what I needed to say
later). I researched what the options
were through our insurance and was relieved to know that there were some. I prayed that God would open doors and provide
for us financially so that he didn’t need to worry about that for a little
while. Mostly I just felt sick. I knew that God was working all around me,
but I am human. What if it didn’t
work? What if he said no?
I was so relieved when the day came and he said yes. I think a part of me was just ready to move
on and take the next steps, but I don’t think anyone can really be prepared for
what comes next. I took a day off work
and checked him into an outpatient treatment hospital for a safe medical
detox. He was going to be gone for about
5 days. I sat our daughter down that
night. I don’t know what I was expecting
but her response what not at all what I had pictured. She was so upset. I realized later that she had spent a lot of
time away from me but 5 days was the longest she had gone without him. We visited him once which was uncomfortable
but a good thing for her. I spend the
next few days cleaning out any sign of alcohol that was in our house.
On Friday, my mom picked him up since I needed to work. Our
friends came over to see him as well.
He was medicated, which helped ease the cravings and prevented issues
like seizures. I think a part of me was
expecting him to be different.
Completely changed and delivered from addiction. I mean that is how it had worked for me. God delivered me and I changed my life. I cut out friends who were addicts and didn’t
hang out in the same places and I didn’t look back. But he never hung out at bars. He hung out in the garage. And his normal buddies came by that first
night. They didn’t drink around him but
I expected that there would be more change.
They can’t write a guidebook on how this is supposed to work, and I am
glad they weren’t testing me because I failed.
I did not handle any of it with the grace I had prayed I would. In fact, I am pretty sure all the feelings I
had been holding in came spewing out of me in a way I had never imagined it
would have.
He continued for the next month or so in an intensive ½ day
outpatient treatment program. During the
week, he could put in about 20 hours with a contractor who was also his sponsor
and the rest of the day he was in a program.
On Saturdays, he was there all day and there was also some education and
a family support group for me that I went to a couple of times. It was emotionally draining for all of us. Our
entire life revolved around his recovery. I had to pick up the slack with our
daughter. Before this, even with him
drinking so much, we were a team. I felt
a bit like a single mom for a while and it was more overwhelming than I
imagined it would be.
A year later, things have changed. Many things are still a work in progress. I
have had days where I was the super supporting loving wife. And I have had days where I am the opposite
of that. It has been important for me to
remember that I am human and just like him, I am also not going to change
overnight. I am grateful that I have a
faith to hold on to and that I know each day is a new day. It isn’t worth dwelling on the horrible
things that I said yesterday, I can only focus on not saying them again
today. I have been through counseling
and dug up things in my own past I didn’t expect (I mean wasn’t it all about him,
right?). Because of what we have walked
through, I am a different person. I
think differently, but I still live in a semi-permanent state of fear. If I smell something that resembles alcohol
in my house I become a crazy person checking any potential hiding place or
trash can because trust that he will stay sober doesn’t just happen overnight. I hate that part of me, but it is still there
waiting to come out when my spider senses start to tingle. I know this will change with time, but I
wish it would come quickly!
I have struggled with how I feel about drinking too. If you know me well, you know that I am not a
big drinker. But I do love a good beer,
especially a Guinness. On a Friday
evening, on a hot day in the summer I loved to have a cold one and chill. I also like a mimosa from time to time. I don’t need to drink, nor do I even desire
to drink often. But on the rare occasion
that I have had a drink with friends I often end up not even enjoying It too
much because I worry I am going to be a hindrance to his sobriety, even if he
is not around. We have talked about it,
and he is OK with me having a mimosa at a holiday gathering, but part of me
just isn’t sure what is the right thing to do.
Most of the time, I just choose to join him and not drink- even when we
are at family gatherings or with friends.
My daughter is different too. She started getting extremely clingy shortly
after he started treatment. Mostly to
me. Even dropping her off at my mom’s house
for a couple of hours or overnight has become a challenge. Not because she doesn’t love spending time at
Nana & Papa’s, but because she wants me there with her. And her anger issues have gotten a little
worse. So, we have started her in some
counseling of her own.
I think the hardest part for me is feeling like I am just
watching this all go down. It is such a
helpless feeling. I am a fixer. That’s what I do. I fix things.
And I can’t fix this. Stepping
back and letting God work in my husband’s life almost feels foreign to me, but
I know that it is all I can do. I can be
there to listen if he wants to talk and I can pray for him. And I can try my hardest not to say some of
the horrible things that sometimes come flying out.
Over the last year I have made some observations or
discovered some of the misconceptions I had going into this were false. And I would like to share them with you.
11)
Alcohol
is everywhere. You can’t go into
too many stores or restaurants, watch TV or movies, or basically do anything
without seeing it somewhere. It wasn’t
something I noticed as much before but now it seems it is all I can see. And it
makes me think about how hard this addiction is. The things I walked away from you couldn’t
buy in the store (Except cigarettes). I
stopped hanging out with my dealer and people who did drugs and I didn’t have
to be exposed to it anymore. It is a
different story with Alcohol.
22)
It
feels very alone sometimes. At
the beginning- everyone checked in on us.
I mean a lot of people all day long.
People invited us over for dinner, offered to help in a variety of ways
and were just checking in on us. And I
appreciated each of these people. But at
that moment, I didn’t know which way was up.
I could barely take it minute by minute and I was so overwhelmed but
didn’t even know what I needed help with.
As the days turned into weeks, and into months we found a bit of our new
normal and new rhythm. But by then most
of the calls, texts and emails had dwindled.
And I so desperately wanted people who didn’t drink to invite us to
dinner or to hang out. I wanted to make
new friendships, family friendships- or just expand on the few we had. But instead I just felt alone. It is hard for me to write this because all
of you are so kind and have been so generous and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s
feelings. But I said I was going to be
raw and so this is how it felt. I knew I
could invite someone over but I didn’t know where to even start with that. So, if you know someone going through this,
don’t stop inviting them to things, no matter how many times they say no,
because at some point they will be ready to say yes and your invite may be so
pivotal in their recovery.
33)
But
you are not alone. I am so glad
that I believe in a living God. One who
lives today in me and other people. I
realize not all of you share my beliefs and that is OK. Please just don’t judge me for mine because I
would not have made it through this without this belief. God was there for me. I saw him work when people provided the exact
amount we needed to life our life uninterrupted. Not having to worry about paying rent or
other bills or how to get food for our family helped us tremendously. I felt his presence with me when I needed to
feel it the most. But we also were
surrounded by so many friends & family.
We have a support system and I am so grateful for each one of you who
have helped us in any way, big or small, during this journey. We are truly blessed.
44)
Counseling
is important. I have always been
what my counselor called “Emotionally healthy”.
I am aware of my feelings and can usually work through them in healthy
ways (I love to write them out). But I
needed someone to talk through the questions I had, so despite not being sure
of how it would work, I took that leap of faith and found a counselor. And it was so good. I could talk to someone that didn’t know my
family, and wouldn’t judge my feelings. She helped me figure out how to move
forward and helped me realize there was some stuff in my past that I hadn’t
quite processed yet. I personally
haven’t had good luck with support groups.
I am a bit of an empath and tend to take on other people’s pain as my
own, so being in a room (or even online) and listening to other people’s
heartbreaking stories usually ends up making me physically sick. My recommendation to everyone going through
this is to find what works for you. If
you can be 100% honest in a support group and it isn’t making you struggle-
then do it. If 1 on 1 counseling is a
better fit for you- then do it. If you
need both- do it. You are more
knowledgeable than anyone else on what works for you- but don’t let you fears
stop you from doing something.
55)
Don’t
underestimate your children. Children
are amazing. They are so resilient and
truly bounce back a bit easier than us adults.
But they are not immune to grown up feelings. I mentioned above that my daughter surprised
me with her reaction. I figured she
would be fine since I was still here for those 5 days. I didn’t ever take the time to think about
how much change that would be for her.
Daddy takes her to school every day.
Daddy does fun things with her like go to the park or the dollar store. Dad
seemed to be a bit invincible in her head so to have him at the “hospital” must
have been scary too. Make sure you stop
to think about how things could affect them.
You can’t ever know for sure because children can be unpredictable, but
it is easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and forget about them.
66)
There
is no “right” way. I have known
a lot of people in my life who have struggled with addiction. From Alcohol to heroin, from food to impulse
control issues. Some have acknowledged
their issues and some may never move forward.
What I have learned is that, just like we are all different (God
designed each of us to be that way), each road to recovery is different. I know people who have been very successful
in AA and swear it is the way to go. I
know people who love Celebrate recovery and swear it is the way to go. I know people, like myself, who didn’t go
through an organized program. And I
think they are all correct. Your
recovery is your own and you must choose the path that will work for you. The biggest thing is that you must do
SOMETHING!!!!! Even if that something is
just changing yourself, slowly, from the inside out.
I am sure there are lots of other things I could add to this
list. But I believe I have addressed the
big ones. I am so incredibly proud of my
husband and his progress. I am looking
forward to seeing where we are in another year.
