A year Later

A year ago, my husband made a decision that rocked our world as we knew it.  It was the best decision he could have made for himself and our family, but it changed everything.  A year ago, my husband opened up about his addiction to Alcohol and his decision to get sober on social media, without me knowing beforehand, and prompted a blog post from me about transparency.  On one hand, I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to keep my feelings quiet and that I wouldn’t have to keep making excuses for him.  Honesty & transparency are important to me and I was glad that he wanted the same thing.  On the other hand, I was so overwhelmed with so many feeling and I had nowhere to hide.  I couldn’t always respond with “I’m Fine” because people knew the truth, but I worried that not everyone wanted me to tell them how I was really doing.  I can’t even describe how confusing that time was.  Especially to an overthinker like myself. 

So, a year later, I have decided it is time for a follow-up blog post.  I know there is someone out there that is just starting down this road and needs to know that they are not alone.  I know there are some of you that want to know how things really are but are afraid to ask me or don’t want me to have to explain for what might be the 150^th time today.    So, this is me.  This is real and raw and will give you insight into what the last year has looked like for me.   I can’t give you insight into Justin.  His journey has been different than mine.  He will probably never write a blog, but maybe someday he will tell his story too.

A few weeks before his decision, I had made one of my own.  I was done.  I couldn’t go on the same way as we had for years.  I was tired of covering up for him, and picking up his slack.  I was ready to leave.  I sat on the edge of my bed and cried out to God.  How had we gotten here?  Was I about to walk away for my marriage?  What would that look like for our daughter?   Did I just give him an ultimatum first?  Would that be the best choice?  As I prayed, God showed me clearly that I couldn’t give up yet.  I had told him that he needed help and practically given him an ultimatum several times before and nothing had changed.  But God showed me that I had never actually given him a way out.  That I had never shown him how and I had never actually offered to walk alongside him through the process.   And I couldn’t walk away without trying that first.  

But I also realized that I couldn’t do that alone.  So, I had some good friends come over when Justin & Paige were gone for the weekend.  We talked real honestly about what was going on.  They were close enough that they knew without my even having to say much but it was such a relief to finally not feel so alone.  We spent time praying through my house, praying over my family and talking about what was next.  We agreed that I would pull my family into the fold and then we would all pray about what the next step was to be.  After talking to my family, who also knew because they were not blind- but didn’t know the full extent, we all agreed to pray.   For the next couple of weeks, I spend hours every day in prayer over my husband, over my family, over my mouth (I have a hard time holding back how I really feel but knew God needed to shut me up if he was going to be able to prepare his heart for what I needed to say later).  I researched what the options were through our insurance and was relieved to know that there were some.  I prayed that God would open doors and provide for us financially so that he didn’t need to worry about that for a little while.   Mostly I just felt sick.  I knew that God was working all around me, but I am human.  What if it didn’t work?  What if he said no?

I was so relieved when the day came and he said yes.  I think a part of me was just ready to move on and take the next steps, but I don’t think anyone can really be prepared for what comes next.  I took a day off work and checked him into an outpatient treatment hospital for a safe medical detox.  He was going to be gone for about 5 days.  I sat our daughter down that night.  I don’t know what I was expecting but her response what not at all what I had pictured.   She was so upset.  I realized later that she had spent a lot of time away from me but 5 days was the longest she had gone without him.   We visited him once which was uncomfortable but a good thing for her.  I spend the next few days cleaning out any sign of alcohol that was in our house.   

On Friday, my mom picked him up since I needed to work.   Our friends came over to see him as well.   He was medicated, which helped ease the cravings and prevented issues like seizures.  I think a part of me was expecting him to be different.  Completely changed and delivered from addiction.  I mean that is how it had worked for me.  God delivered me and I changed my life.  I cut out friends who were addicts and didn’t hang out in the same places and I didn’t look back.   But he never hung out at bars.  He hung out in the garage.  And his normal buddies came by that first night.  They didn’t drink around him but I expected that there would be more change.   They can’t write a guidebook on how this is supposed to work, and I am glad they weren’t testing me because I failed.  I did not handle any of it with the grace I had prayed I would.  In fact, I am pretty sure all the feelings I had been holding in came spewing out of me in a way I had never imagined it would have. 

He continued for the next month or so in an intensive ½ day outpatient treatment program.  During the week, he could put in about 20 hours with a contractor who was also his sponsor and the rest of the day he was in a program.  On Saturdays, he was there all day and there was also some education and a family support group for me that I went to a couple of times.  It was emotionally draining for all of us. Our entire life revolved around his recovery.  I had to pick up the slack with our daughter.  Before this, even with him drinking so much, we were a team.  I felt a bit like a single mom for a while and it was more overwhelming than I imagined it would be. 

A year later, things have changed.  Many things are still a work in progress. I have had days where I was the super supporting loving wife.  And I have had days where I am the opposite of that.  It has been important for me to remember that I am human and just like him, I am also not going to change overnight.   I am grateful that I have a faith to hold on to and that I know each day is a new day.  It isn’t worth dwelling on the horrible things that I said yesterday, I can only focus on not saying them again today.   I have been through counseling and dug up things in my own past I didn’t expect (I mean wasn’t it all about him, right?).  Because of what we have walked through, I am a different person.  I think differently, but I still live in a semi-permanent state of fear.  If I smell something that resembles alcohol in my house I become a crazy person checking any potential hiding place or trash can because trust that he will stay sober doesn’t just happen overnight.  I hate that part of me, but it is still there waiting to come out when my spider senses start to tingle.   I know this will change with time, but I wish it would come quickly!

I have struggled with how I feel about drinking too.  If you know me well, you know that I am not a big drinker.  But I do love a good beer, especially a Guinness.  On a Friday evening, on a hot day in the summer I loved to have a cold one and chill.   I also like a mimosa from time to time.   I don’t need to drink, nor do I even desire to drink often.  But on the rare occasion that I have had a drink with friends I often end up not even enjoying It too much because I worry I am going to be a hindrance to his sobriety, even if he is not around.  We have talked about it, and he is OK with me having a mimosa at a holiday gathering, but part of me just isn’t sure what is the right thing to do.  Most of the time, I just choose to join him and not drink- even when we are at family gatherings or with friends.  

My daughter is different too.  She started getting extremely clingy shortly after he started treatment.  Mostly to me.  Even dropping her off at my mom’s house for a couple of hours or overnight has become a challenge.  Not because she doesn’t love spending time at Nana & Papa’s, but because she wants me there with her.  And her anger issues have gotten a little worse.  So, we have started her in some counseling of her own.

I think the hardest part for me is feeling like I am just watching this all go down.  It is such a helpless feeling.  I am a fixer.  That’s what I do.  I fix things.  And I can’t fix this.  Stepping back and letting God work in my husband’s life almost feels foreign to me, but I know that it is all I can do.  I can be there to listen if he wants to talk and I can pray for him.   And I can try my hardest not to say some of the horrible things that sometimes come flying out.  

Over the last year I have made some observations or discovered some of the misconceptions I had going into this were false.  And I would like to share them with you. 

11)      Alcohol is everywhere.  You can’t go into too many stores or restaurants, watch TV or movies, or basically do anything without seeing it somewhere.  It wasn’t something I noticed as much before but now it seems it is all I can see.   And it makes me think about how hard this addiction is.  The things I walked away from you couldn’t buy in the store (Except cigarettes).  I stopped hanging out with my dealer and people who did drugs and I didn’t have to be exposed to it anymore.  It is a different story with Alcohol. 

22)      It feels very alone sometimes.  At the beginning- everyone checked in on us.  I mean a lot of people all day long.  People invited us over for dinner, offered to help in a variety of ways and were just checking in on us.  And I appreciated each of these people.  But at that moment, I didn’t know which way was up.  I could barely take it minute by minute and I was so overwhelmed but didn’t even know what I needed help with.  As the days turned into weeks, and into months we found a bit of our new normal and new rhythm.  But by then most of the calls, texts and emails had dwindled.   And I so desperately wanted people who didn’t drink to invite us to dinner or to hang out.  I wanted to make new friendships, family friendships- or just expand on the few we had.  But instead I just felt alone.  It is hard for me to write this because all of you are so kind and have been so generous and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  But I said I was going to be raw and so this is how it felt.  I knew I could invite someone over but I didn’t know where to even start with that.  So, if you know someone going through this, don’t stop inviting them to things, no matter how many times they say no, because at some point they will be ready to say yes and your invite may be so pivotal in their recovery.

33)      But you are not alone.  I am so glad that I believe in a living God.  One who lives today in me and other people.  I realize not all of you share my beliefs and that is OK.  Please just don’t judge me for mine because I would not have made it through this without this belief.  God was there for me.  I saw him work when people provided the exact amount we needed to life our life uninterrupted.  Not having to worry about paying rent or other bills or how to get food for our family helped us tremendously.   I felt his presence with me when I needed to feel it the most.  But we also were surrounded by so many friends & family.  We have a support system and I am so grateful for each one of you who have helped us in any way, big or small, during this journey.  We are truly blessed.

44)      Counseling is important.  I have always been what my counselor called “Emotionally healthy”.  I am aware of my feelings and can usually work through them in healthy ways (I love to write them out).  But I needed someone to talk through the questions I had, so despite not being sure of how it would work, I took that leap of faith and found a counselor.  And it was so good.  I could talk to someone that didn’t know my family, and wouldn’t judge my feelings. She helped me figure out how to move forward and helped me realize there was some stuff in my past that I hadn’t quite processed yet.  I personally haven’t had good luck with support groups.  I am a bit of an empath and tend to take on other people’s pain as my own, so being in a room (or even online) and listening to other people’s heartbreaking stories usually ends up making me physically sick.  My recommendation to everyone going through this is to find what works for you.  If you can be 100% honest in a support group and it isn’t making you struggle- then do it.  If 1 on 1 counseling is a better fit for you- then do it.  If you need both- do it.   You are more knowledgeable than anyone else on what works for you- but don’t let you fears stop you from doing something. 

55)      Don’t underestimate your children.  Children are amazing.  They are so resilient and truly bounce back a bit easier than us adults.  But they are not immune to grown up feelings.  I mentioned above that my daughter surprised me with her reaction.  I figured she would be fine since I was still here for those 5 days.  I didn’t ever take the time to think about how much change that would be for her.  Daddy takes her to school every day.  Daddy does fun things with her like go to the park or the dollar store. Dad seemed to be a bit invincible in her head so to have him at the “hospital” must have been scary too.  Make sure you stop to think about how things could affect them.  You can’t ever know for sure because children can be unpredictable, but it is easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and forget about them. 

66)      There is no “right” way.  I have known a lot of people in my life who have struggled with addiction.  From Alcohol to heroin, from food to impulse control issues.  Some have acknowledged their issues and some may never move forward.  What I have learned is that, just like we are all different (God designed each of us to be that way), each road to recovery is different.  I know people who have been very successful in AA and swear it is the way to go.  I know people who love Celebrate recovery and swear it is the way to go.  I know people, like myself, who didn’t go through an organized program.   And I think they are all correct.  Your recovery is your own and you must choose the path that will work for you.  The biggest thing is that you must do SOMETHING!!!!!  Even if that something is just changing yourself, slowly, from the inside out.

I am sure there are lots of other things I could add to this list.  But I believe I have addressed the big ones.  I am so incredibly proud of my husband and his progress.   I am looking forward to seeing where we are in another year.